Living Room Safari aka “I’m A Doctor, Get Me Out Of Here”

[Friday 30th March]

OK. This is getting ridiculous. I kid you not, but we’ve just battled [unsuccessfully] with a giant BAT [yes, a flying rat] in our living room. It’s like a reality TV show where some sadistic producers release larger animals to see how we contend. To save you having to watch this on ITV78 in a few month’s time, I’ll just tell you.

On Monday it was King giant cockroach – HUGE! We’ve started to get along now though. Danni and I just think he’s a bit lonely and is looking for friends. He’s freakin’ ugly, so I’m not surprised he hasn’t yet found any. We now live in equilibrium. I don’t even scream like a girl [or a boy] any more when he says hello of an evening.

On Tuesday it was the Praying Mantis – HUGE!! OK, this one flies and looks deadly. Now, I don’t <think> these creatures are dangerous but they’re bright green and look weird so I naturally assume that even being within 10 metres will cause certain death. Still not used to him.

On Wednesday we met the mouse [read: RAT, but we’re trying to make ourselves feel better] and his family. At least they don’t fly but my gosh do they scurry, and are big and hairy and OBVIOUSLY full of rabies, hepatitis and malaria etc. I’ve kind of got used to them, Danni hasn’t.

On Thursday it was the giant spiders in my room – I think they’ve been there before but with other worries on my mind [cockroaches, praying mantises and rats] I hadn’t noticed. Thank GOD for mosquito nets. Bleurgh.

Tonight [Friday], as I said -  it’s the bat. We were literally just talking of how many animals we’d met in our abode and we see a bat above our heads. We duck [obvious, natural reaction to a flying rat] and then worry about getting too close to the floor lest we meet the cockroaches or floor rats. Sigh. We realize quickly that we can’t just coax it out the door, so we do what any intelligent people do – we run into Danni’s bedroom and barricade ourselves in. That’s where I’m sat now, writing this. Ugh.

We’re going away for the weekend, but I fully expect a lion and a dragon to be sat on the sofa when we get back.

Wish us luck.